Many signs of codependency seem like normal behaviour. Caring for a needy person does not make you a codependent. However, when the act of caring is excessive, unnecessary and actively hidden behind a facade of normality, it becomes codependency. Compassion is normal, but not when it is so overwhelming that it causes you to pursue needless suffering without seeking a proper solution.
Codependents create an illusion of normality to preserve the status quo while they, and others, suffer ongoing hardship. They are caught in a kind of love-hate relationship. They do not enjoy it, yet they maintain it. This is usually due to deeply embedded emotions or learned behaviours that compel them to preserve, rather than heal the problem.
Codependents tend to:
- Want to care for others
- Have a need to feel needed
- Confuse caring with enabling
- Feel responsible for the suffering of others
- Feel guilty if they do not help others
- Feel attracted to someone in need of help
- Rescue the helpless, back the underdog
- Be enraged by uncaring attitudes of others
- Believe others cannot care for themselves
- Do more than their fair share of work
- Do favours they dislike doing
- Control others to maintain secrecy
- Have a need to please other people
- Maintain own self-esteem with good deeds
- Value other peoples’ good opinions of them
- Suppress, avoid talk about their own feelings
- Avoid showing their own true emotions
- Deny, cover up, downplay their problems
- Tell lies to protect an erring person
- Avoid attention and help from others
- Advise others and focus on their problems
- Appear to be competent and self-reliant
- Do things perfectly to earn approval
- Project a successful, happy image
- Isolate themselves and feel lonely
- Communicate indirectly, through others
- Do not know how to set boundaries
- Become the family guardian
- Vigilant, careful not to expose evidence
- Take over the abuser’s obligations
- Neglect their own personal needs
- Fear failure and resist change
- Fear being alone, losing intimate partner
- Fear damaging a loving bond, relationship
- Avoid criticising, distancing their partner
- Depend on a partner for financial survival
- Fear punishment by an angry partner
- Feel negative and positive about the abuser
- Need constant reassurance, fear criticism
- Blame themselves for others’ problems
- Have low self-esteem, feel undeserving
- Experience shame, distrust, insecurity
- Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, used
- Feel helpless, unhappy, depressed, anxious
- Get emotionally, mentally, physically ill
- Transfer codependency to their children
You can imagine how much stress any one of these factors can cause a relationship. There will be issues if you can’t communicate or respect others. This causes both the caretaker and the dependent to feel stressed and insecure. Both fear being alone, but neither is content. Since most partners want to keep the other happy, there may be few fights but both partners are likely to be stressed.
Despite their best intentions, many people repeat unhealthy relationship patterns. Recovery from codependency removes the need to stay in an unhealthy, painful relationship. You know you are not responsible for anyone’s happiness except your own, so you can walk away.
Complete guide to understanding codependency in personal relationships can be located here. also see Recovery Directs family programme.