In order for relationships to succeed there needs to be an alliance that includes a mutual effort toward instilling positivity, empathy, commitment, acceptance and respect. Without the commitment toward this seemingly obvious and simple relationship can fall into many toxic or destructive holding patterns.
Recognise that many toxic habits are hardwired into our culture and our core belief system. So to figure out what is going “wrong” there needs to be a lot of “understanding” and encouragement on both sides.
We know things go wrong, but can we own our part in these.
- Jealousy of other relationships, or constant comparison to other peoples relationships.
- “Gaslighting” or re-framing events to convince them/you that something happened in a way that it did not.
- Being blamed for things that you have no control over or could not influence or that are part of their own shortcomings.
- No doesn’t mean no, they do what they want to do anyway.
- Humiliation in public or berating you in private.
- Threatening to hurt themselves or others because of you.
- Extreme flip flops from emotional, verbal or physical abuse to “love bombing” affection and attention, from one extreme to the other.
- Using guilt to control you or withholding love, sex, validation as a means to control the relationship.
- Overstepping personal boundaries
- Dismissing the other person needs as “not important” or “not as important”.
- Dismissing the other person perspective and not good or valid.
- Unfounded accusations and mistrust, creating the “if they”, “then I” scenarios.
When a relationship alliance is challenged on these points we revert to our “emotions” or “feelings” for immediate guidance, often with disastrous consequences. A more mindful relationship would be able to recognise toxic components in ourselves and be able to share emotional support before miscommunications escalated into irreconcilable relationship turmoil.
Culturally we idolise the “fight” for “romance” and ultimately “love”. The ideals can be dizzying, irrational expectations around sex, communication, connection and discount that both men and women often subconsciously aspire to many expectations of their romantic relationships without actively letting their partners know or understand where, how or why they are succeeding or falling short.
Unfortunately, these are often blind assumptions, are unrealistic when cited inside of actual relationships with other human beings. Healthy relationships require a lot less expectation as to how the other “should” be behaving to “win” love, “gain respect”, “trust” and “adoration”. These “turn on’s”, “attractions” and “romances” and relationship expectations stem from some deeply embedded blueprints within each individual. These blueprints can be formed through many factors such as childhood role models, parents, other relationship experiences, family, friends, social and societal influences that may not be aligned to sustaining and growing a present relationship.
Feelings and emotions do not only exist on the present logical timeline, nor are our emotions based on raw logic. Memories can be inaccurate and may have nothing or everything to do with a present relationship, yet at the moment, we may very well feel like the partner is the cause of the negative emotions. Very often present relationship partners are drawn into cycles for dysregulated emotions for which they are not directly responsible.
This framing can amplify their responses to the emotional questioning which in turn breaks down, trust, communication and relationship continuity as they now re-trigger past emotions.
The “In the moment” our trauma responses to any relationship discourse can include a fight, flight, freeze or faun response instead of stopping and mindfully expressing the underlying causes of these feelings and / or their validity in context with the present moment. It’s just easier to blame, attack, ignore, disengage or run away from our own uncomfortable insecurities than to address them.
Mindful expression requires a level of trust and empathy in gives yourself or your partner the space to communicate in person, what is really going on with them and without fear of being exposed, abandoned or being made to feel venerable.
In reality, this can only work when both partners are operating from a collective mindful understanding of the other person and their needs (which is rarely the case). More often than not there are mitigating life circumstances that have high volatility and/or priority. Work, children, specific events that occurred in the relationship can become the punching points of fixation or detract from the open, honest and self-reflective and aware communication. The opportunity to have that meaningful connection is often difficult hard in the gambit of day to day life.
Healthy relationships make the time and create that space for the other person to engage so that partners can better understand each other outside of all the dramas and the many punching points of day to day life.
While this kind of honesty and space is a rare commodity in all relationships it is required for relationships to adapt and meet the ongoing needs of both partners and that is the mutual commitment to a functional relationship.
There is no “upper hand” or “winning” in a relationship. Logic does not trump past emotions and these feelings are happening in the present moments and can disrupt any potential solutions. So be mindful and aware of it and forgive. Keep in mind that there is no ideal or perfect relationships, each relationship comes with its own gives, takes and compromises.
This is why it is always so important to view the relationship as a collective or an “alliance” or “on the same team” where both parties give each other ongoing support. Especially in times of turmoil, is when your partner needs you the most to be the most understanding version of yourself.
- Successful relationships inherently understand this alliance and support it.
- Successful relationships permit absolute variability as a constant and a virtue.
- Successful partnerships can disagree but recognise when they are pushing into trauma response territory, and call a mutual stop.
- Successful partnerships give latitude and space to allow their partners to grow from distorted expectations and beliefs.
- Successful partnerships express forgiveness and understanding as often as they can.
The problem is that we are generally unaware of the storm brewing in our relationships and partnership, working off the impossible assumption that our respective partners understand what is going in our minds and with our expectations inside of the relationship.
- Tell your partner you love them
- Show affection
- Show appreciation
- Share yourself
- Be there for your partner
- Give gifts
- Respond mindfully
- Make “alone time” a priority
- Take nothing for granted
- Strive for equality
Characteristics of Healthy Relationships
- Respect for privacy and space. You don’t have to be with your partner 24/7.
- Your partner encourages you to spend time with friends without them and to participate in activities that you enjoy.
- You feel comfortable expressing your opinions and concerns to your partner.
- Your feel physically safe and your partner doesn’t force you to have sex or to do things that make you feel uncomfortable.
- Your partner respects your wishes and feelings and you can compromise and negotiate when there are disagreements or conflicts.
- Sex can be a remarkably important and restorative factor in sustaining healthy relationships, equally, it can be as destructive. While complex it is important to not neglect or withhold sex but to find the checks and balances that work with both partners. Being open to understanding the other’s needs sexual and non-sexual translates to a better understanding of the relationship as a whole.
The foundation of a healthy relationship includes:
- Boundaries: You and your partner are able to address each other’s needs in ways that are comfortable for both of you. Boundaries are not meant to offend romantic partners, but rather to establish a framework for what is tolerated and what is not tolerated, so that there is no ambiguity or unmet expectation and that both partners know where they stand with each other.
- Communication: Romantic partners discuss their feelings in a way that makes the other person feel secure, heard, and unjudged, even if you don’t completely agree with the other persons perspective. Healthy partnerships communicate in a variety of ways, including verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual, and the degree to which this occurs is determined by the healthy balance that each connection achieves.
- Trust: Building trust can take time, but it allows couples to be more vulnerable and open with one another because they know they can trust the other enough to divulge intimate details about their internal psyche. Establishing trust in a relationship can be difficult since it may need accepting and understanding of the partner’s prior traumas and triggers, as well as being aware of each other’s perspectives and cognitive distortions resulting from previous experiences.
- Permission: Giving permission, which is mostly aligned in regard to trust and sex. Giving permission signifies that you are alright with what is going on and that no one is forcing or guilting you into doing something you don’t want to do. Sex can signify the trust bond of a healthy relationship or the lack of trust. Consent can be given and revoked at any time, and providing consent once does not imply that you will provide it again. Trust is not gained purely through sexual intercourse, the action of being true to your words and true to your behaviours outside of the bedroom is equally important in a relationship.
See how these things go hand in hand by exploring the other sections to your left.
1. Select a partner that you can be yourself around.
Don’t settle for just anyone when it comes to a mate. Be deliberate in who you choose to spend this precious life with! Selecting the types of people that you enjoy being around and that you can be yourself around is possibly one of the most important functions of being content inside of a relationship. Remember why you selected them in the first place when things get tough. It’s so basic, but it’s so effective. Every day, in every moment, choose your companion.
2. Keep your expectations in check
We all have expectations of others, and our closest companion is no exception. In reality, we frequently have high expectations of our partners because they are supposed to be the ones who know us best? But this is not reality. Expectations are fertile fuel for bitterness and miscommunication. Instead, communicate your requirements. Resentment and misconceptions thrive in an environment when expectations are high.
3. Don’t be a dick.
Relationships can be difficult. When we love someone and open our emotions to them, we open ourselves up to being hurt. If we don’t keep an eye out, this can lead to some fairly ordinary and unthinking behaviour. Try to stay away from yelling, swearing, or making hurtful personal remarks to your partner. This type of behaviour just causes relational fissures, which can be difficult to repair.
4. Keep in touch
We’ve all heard or read that communication is crucial in a relationship. And it is, without a doubt, the foundation of being able to grow in love together.
Communicate your emotions, needs, and even the unpleasant details. Don’t turn off the computer or play the silent game. Don’t talk to anyone else until you’ve spoken to your partner. Don’t be afraid to speak up thoughtful communication are essential for couples to be able to grow in love together.
5. Stop keeping score.
Relationships aren’t a sport, there is no winning an argument. That’s a serious statement. But, truly, in love, you can’t keep score. You’re bound to make blunders. Your companion is as well. In a relationship, we tend to forget that a couple is an alliance and not the opponent. Don’t keep track of who did what and when, and don’t bring up events that occurred hours, days, weeks, months, or even years ago. This type of tit for tat is unhealthy and only breeds irritation and fury.
6. Allow each other to BE.
It’s a fantastic thing to have so much space. When we love someone, we want to be with them all of the time. This is a lovely thing, but it can also be oppressive. Don’t forget to make time for yourself and your partner to do the activities you enjoy.
The better you are at relating and being able to show up completely as a partner, the more you will take care of yourself and your needs. Remember, the things your spouse performed on a regular basis when you first met were a big part of why you fell in love with them!
Chiara Gizzi quote the feisty femme movement love connection language communication the 8 Practices Every Successful Relationship Must Follow The better you are at relating and being able to show up completely as a partner, the more you will take care of yourself and your needs.
7. Go for Intimacy
Sex is crucial. It’s critical that you and your spouse are sexually compatible. There’s no right or wrong way to live your sex life as long as it’s satisfying for both sides. Discuss your sex life on a frequent basis.
Find out what your companion enjoys. Find out what each other’s love language is. It’s also a good idea to practice non-sexual intimacy. Hold each other’s hands. Cuddle. Allow your partner to fulfill a basic human desire for touch and interaction on your behalf.
8. Be willing to forgive.
Love is such a bittersweet thing. When we love someone, we may expect them to hurt us. They may not do it on purpose, but intimacy comes with the risk of being harmed. You’ll also inflict some pain. This is why it’s so vital to forgive.
Practice forgiving others. Learn to apologize; every good relationship requires the willingness to make amends after a disagreement.
It is not easy to build a successful relationship, but with a little effort and a lot of love, it may be one of the most rewarding experiences you can have. Do you have any rituals or practices that you use to keep your relationship healthy and happy? Let us know what you think in the comments!
